I leave this part of me with you
I was a wounded little girl
Incomplete and anxious
Worried completely and anxiously
that I would be left behind
But she is fading from me now
Or coming into view as
I return to pick her up
And nurse her into someone who
Grows up to believe
she is meant to be
loved
Surely
And I will see the whole world
And I will live in palaces
Behind high fences of grass and wrought iron gates carved into roses without thorns
And I will invite in the ones I love
And show them my heart
mended and whole
like it oughta to be
beating in tune like it’s ‘sposed to sound
Gushing out steady gold and
gilded promises that are kept
And they will not say ‘I’m so sorry’
And they will not say ‘you deserve better’
And they will not lick my wounds
or hold my hands solemnly
Thinking “ Poor, loveless her”
I’m finished
I wake up with my head held high
I buy the skyline of every building that pushed me out me
I shake the sheets of shame
and let in the light
Pouring from blessed arched windows
I arch forward for the photo
Of the September issue of the glossiest magazine
In a dress that I ignore the price tag of
I accept the award and thank the little girl
Who got up from the curb and became somebody
I look myself in the eyes and believe deeply in who she has become
I say “fuck it” when I find things are not what I thought they were
I dress for me
I drink for me
I eat for me
Toast to me
I shave for me
I pray for me
I grow for me
I grew for me
I run for me
I run towards me
And
If I have no destined love
If I find no intercessor in the fox hole
If the only soulmate I know is the one who’s slept beside me these odd years
I cradle her
I kick everyone out the room
The one who left me suddenly
FUCK YOU
The one who came back day late dollar short
FUCK YOU too
The one who made love to the idea of me then punished the reality Instead
FUCK YOU especially
I am taking the years back
I am gleaning youthful success and a billboard across a Manhattan tower
Plastering my real smile and perfect ass
I am shedding Shame
masked as modesty
And desperation masked as mercy
Find me in the perfume section of the department store doused in a fragrance called JOY
Find me singing love songs and focusing more on the key than the lyrics
Because I’m not looking out the window of the plane
Acting out scenes from a cliche noir
Hoping for things to be different than the way they really are
this time
I am lounging back in a wood grain private jet shuttering the shades and reclining
Saying ‘Wake me when we’ve landed’
I push up the blinds as I descend over the land
Scanning over all of it
Which I own
My patience is DONE
My halo is GONE
I will be no one’s savior
I will be no one’s regret
I will be no one’s back up plan/ afterthought/ And nobody’s trophy
I am throwing the fight
Rigging the bets
And blowing the winnings on ME
I don’t wish any of you well
Go straight to hell
I am done wishing
I don’t want a soul back
Don’t call me ever again
Swallow my name
when it comes to mind
What’s yours is mine
But Keep the change you owe me
Change or die the same
Forget forget forget me
I will be happy
I will be wealthy
I AM important
And
This time
I choose ME.